Attaching Without Attachment

"I love you, but it's no concern of yours."

I flinched when Dr. John Douillard spoke those words because they hit me right in the heart.  It was one of those moments when you slink down in your seat, doodle in your notebook, and hope no one makes eye contact with you.  Because you?  You are guilty as charged.  And please God don't let anyone notice.

I, like many people out there, often equate love with works.  What are you doing for me?  How is this benefiting me?  Why are you acting like that because clearly if you loved me you would call me and you would never do that really annoying thing ever again.  So stop it and do exactly what I want damn it.  It's all about me! Me! Me!

Which is pretty much the exact opposite of how Dr. Douillard is calling us to love.  Instead of getting out our balance sheets and working out complex equations of, "well you did this, so I must do this in order for it all to equal out in the end," we gotta let go.  We gotta love just for the sake of loving.  Because love is our true nature.  And our true nature is not worried about making sure all actions are balanced.  Or that things even out.  Our true nature does not say,  "Well if I put this much in, then you have to put this much because if you don't it won't be fair and then I'll have to have a tantrum."

No, our true nature loves without concern.  It just does.  It just is.  There are no worries about how it's going to turn out.  If there will be a ring.  Or 2.5 children.  Or why he's being so annoying.  Or why he won't make a big gesture.  Those are petty concerns.

True love squashes those things.  It just comes falling right out of you whether he changes his Facebook status or not.  Because it can't help it.  The sun shines whether we notice it or not, after all.

But that non-attachment.  That releasing of quid pro quo.  That turning off the ego is hard.  Especially in a culture, in a family, in a world where we are praised for what we get.  What we have.  For the fruits of our labor.  To say I am going to do this.  I am going to love you and I don't care what I get in return well that's like me saying, "I'm not going to study for this test and I don't care if I make an A or not."  It's just not natural Internet.

But it's so essential.  It's what allows that stabby annoyance to melt away.  For true connection to flow in.  For real love to happen.

And if you could teach me how to do it I'd love you forever, because right now all I can see are the things I want him to do that he isn't.  All the ways I've been wronged.  How his actions haven't been what I wanted.

And that?  That's really not any concern of mine.



PS-If you want to hear what else John Douillard had to say sign up for Cate's Evolving Your Winter Traditions eCourse.  You can listen to a clip of his interview here.

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