The day after Brian and I broke up I did what I always do-called the first available man in my phone and arranged a date. Then I called all my girlfriends and arranged dates with them too. And when neither man or girlfriend was available I arranged other dates. Dates with going out of town. Or running. Or reading. Or working. Or doing.
Except all my dates kept saying things like:
"You know ever since you were about 13 you've never had any trouble finding a boyfriend. How about you start working on quality instead of quantity and take your time."
"Maybe it's time to figure out what you really want without a boyfriend."
"Have you thought about being alone for awhile?"
"I know you don't want to hear this but maybe you should be alone for awhile."
"I don't think you need to rush into something else. Take some time to figure out what you want."
"What does Sara want? Not what does Sara's boyfriend want. What does Sara want? You can only figure that out if you are alone."
Alone. Alone. Alone. I felt like punching each of them. Because how much more alone do you want me to get? I live in Driggs. I work in a studio that has no other employees. I could easily go days without interacting with another human being if I tried. My friends and family are 3,000 miles away. And my one rock solid person in town just dumped me. I am alone ok!
Except I wasn't. I was doing a dang good job of filling my days. Because I don't do alone. It makes me nervous and twitchy. Gives me the extreme desire to jump right out of my skin and bolt. Causes a pit to develop deep in my stomach. One that calls for banana nut muffins and chocolate. Or anything that will fill the giant gaping hole really.
Because to sit and feel your feelings and be alone. Truly alone. Well that's hard. That's when the real work begins.
And who really wants to do that? Who wants to wade into their dark places? Feel all their feelings and be alone?
No one that's who. So we don't. We numb ourselves with other people. With calendars full of busy. With dinners and dates and banana nut muffins.
But when we do that. When we fill the giant gaping hole with things and stuff and talking it blocks the Divine from coming in. It's pretty hard for God to get through the front door when you're always running out of it.
So I've tried to, "Get comfortable with the emptiness (the aloneness) to make space for the Divine."
I've left holes in my calendar. Cancelled dates. Sworn off men. Sat on top of swing sets and cars and mountains listening. Feeling. Being alone. Really alone.
I even plunked down a hefty chunk of change to be taught how exactly to sit in silence, alone, feeling all my feelings without reacting.
Because I'm so bad at it. Because every inch of my body screams run when I sit to meditate. Tells me to talk or do or fix. To eat a banana nut muffin and call a boy.
And well that's not how true Love gets in.
True Love doesn't need talking and doing and fixing. It doesn't eat banana nut muffins and it sure as heck doesn't call random boys. It just is. It's perfect and whole and wonderful. And it's there waiting-wanting-each of us to let it in.
And all we have to do is drop our fears. Our insecurities. Our busyness. Our banana nut muffins. And let it.
We just have to clear out the space and throw open the door.
We have sit still and be alone so we can see that true Love is always with us. It is us.
So when she said to me, "You must feel so alone." I started to cry. Because I do. And I know that's the first step to letting real Love in.
XO,
Sara
No comments:
Post a Comment