"You know for the next cycle of creation to happen you have to completely finish the one you're in. What do you need to finish?"
Two names punched me right in the gut and without thinking I blurted them out.
"Just remember that they may not be available to help you complete the cycle. You might have to do it yourself. But it's important you find that closure somehow so the next thing can bubble up."
Five minutes later I found myself sending Brian a message.
By Sunday night I hadn't heard a word from the boy. And as annoyed and hurt as I was that he couldn't show up for me for just fives minutes. For one cup of coffee. Or a walk around the block. I wasn't surprised.
But it was time I be done with it whether he could man up and help me or not. So I put on my iPod and started running. And I ran and ran. And when my timer went off. I kept running because I needed to get it all out. I ran while my iPod played the most perfect songs. I ran while the sun beat down on me. I ran while I wheezed and about fell over dead. And with each step I was determined to let go of all that remained of him. Of us.
Then I circled around to the playground where I sit atop the sliding board and do my daily meditation. Red faced and winded I started talking to him from my perch. Out loud. I told him I was sorry for making him everything to me all the time. For repeatedly falling apart and making him help pick up the pieces. For not leaving months ago when I knew I should have. For making him feel not good enough. For making him witness and be a part of my complete soul makeover this year. That I knew it was too much for one person to bear. I asked him to forgive me. Then I thanked him for leaving me. For doing what I wasn't strong enough to do. For making me laugh. And teaching me how to survive the winter. And for being such a nice guy. For sharing his time with me. Then I sent him on his way in a very Elizabeth Gilbert kind of way.
Then I sat. Silent. Quiet. Open. I sat there until something else came in. Something else entirely. Something wonderful and unexpected.
Something I can only describe as Love. Love so complete and whole and God given I started to cry. Then laugh. Because this. This amazing. Top of the world feeling is what I've been so afraid of? What I've been running from. Been eating banana nut muffins to avoid. My god I've been silly. Because that feeling. That feeling of total completeness. Of perfectness. Of not having to do or be. But being held and supported and loved even if you aren't the Valedictorian of Everything.
That's better than any Brian. Any boy. Any banana nut muffin. And all I had to do was create the space and ask it in.
I sat there until the sun went down. My skin glimmering. The biggest stupidest smile on my face.
And for the first time in a long time. Since that time in October when Brian and I broke up actually. I felt like myself. Like my hopeful, encouraged, joyful, squealy, bubbly, full of love, jump up and downy self that I'm so famous for back South. I spent the rest of the night dancing and smiling and laughing. Marveling at how great, how light, how connected I finally felt.
Monday morning she said, "You look so much better. I mean I've just watched you lose your joy over the course of this year. But you look radically different now. Back to how you were when you first moved here."
Then someone else said, "You know he's got another girlfriend."
And I said I know. And I smiled. Because I knew I had finished it. That the cycle was done. And because of it. Because of that divine love I let in greater things were about to happen. And boy have they...I've gotten a job interview, dates with beautiful friends, items crossed off my life list, and a reconnection with a wonderful man. All sorts of things have danced right in.
But most importantly I have. I've come back. Bright, bubbly ME. And that's something far greater. Far more valuable than any relationship.
And something I'm determined to never lose again. Regardless of what man or banana nut muffin happens to wander in.
XO,
Sara
This was the song my iPod decided to randomly play on my walk home. Thought it fitting since I had gotten my light back.
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