Climb On

The irony of the climbing routes was not lost on me, "Loosen Up" and "Find Your Way."  Two things I seem to be struggling with these days.

When I graduated college I just needed a job.  Any job.  Preferably one that would allow me time off to be with my dying mother while also paying the bills and providing me with adult necessities like healthcare and a 401K.  So it wasn't all that surprising when I found myself donning a suit and working for the SC House of Representatives.  Time off-check.  Paying the bills-check.  Adult necessities-check and check.

By most people's account I had scored big.  I had a coveted state job,  health insurance, and a retirement plan.  I was virtually unfirable and got to rub elbows with important people on a daily basis.  What was there to complain about?

Yet, for me, there was a lot.  I spent most days trying not to bite my tongue off or beat my head against the wall too many times.  Because I quickly discovered I'm not cut out for government work.  Can't sit and push papers around a desk or smile pretty and tell people what they want to hear (and politicians in particular want to hear a lot of things).  However, circumstances required I keep my butt in that job so I did.  For five years.  Five years!

Until one day I just couldn't.  So I quit to go to grad school.  To become what it was I was meant to become-a counselor.

During those two years of therapy and papers and focus, I realized I was also meant to use my yoga practice with my clients in some way.  So after graduation I packed up and moved to Driggs to do just that.  To loosen the intense theory heavy focus of working with clients that had been beaten into me and to find my way as a counselor/yogi/teacher.

However, last night as I was climbing I realized I've gotten so caught up in helping manage the studio, being Cate's personal assistant, and teaching and practicing yoga that I've gotten pulled off my true path.  I've gripped what's right in front of me-my daily tasks, paying the bills, doing my job-so hard that I've forgotten the summit.  The bigger picture.  Why I made this leap and started this climb to begin with.

And I'm feeling like I did when I was working for the state.  Frustrated.  Confused.  Angry.  Used up.  Hollow.  Because I'm not meant for administrative work. For sitting alone in front of a computer everyday.  For carrying out other people's projects.

The summit I'm meant to reach is different.  I'm meant to help people.  To connect.  To use the skills I learned and paid for and believe in to make a difference.

And the route I'm currently climbing no longer allows for that.  Doesn't take me to the summit I want to reach.   And if I'm going to make that destination, it's quickly approaching time for me to switch positions.  Because I can't hold myself up here forever-this route's just too hard.  I have to change holds.  Move forward.  Try something else.

And while I do trust that I can get myself where I need to go, right now I'm not exactly sure where it is I need to go.  Where I need to stretch.  What I need to grab for.  I can't see my next hold.

So I'm stuck here out on this ledge for now.  Clinging.  Uncomfortable.  Confused.  Until I can loosen up and find another way.

Much thanks to everyone who's on belay for me right now as I contemplate my next move.  And for the harness of practices I have that helps hold me up.

I'd be much more tired if it weren't for you.


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