Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

In yoga we call that pulse Spanda.  Other people call it crazy.  Whatever name you give it, it's that ever constant push and pull.  The contraction and revelation.  The dance between things that's always happening.  It's only crazy when you pulse between serial killer and giggling hyena.  Otherwise, I think a little sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't is only natural.

No one is happy alllll the time.  Ok, well maybe there is one person, I went to high school with her and my god her always sunny mood was obnoxious.  I'd never actually wish ill on someone, but in her case a little catastrophe might be in order.  The same thing can be said for being sad all the time.  It just ain't right.  Always existing in one state is stasis.  Death.  Living?  Growing?  They require movement.  But I digress, Internet.

The point is-sometimes you cry on your mat.  Other times, you do cart wheels you're so mind blowingly happy.  Such is the nature of life.  Of spanda.

The problem is we often forget about this pulsation.  This dance.  So that when we're down, we forget that we'll be up again.  That the universe is abundant and will provide a reason to smile so hard it hurts. Instead we waste a lot of time crying in inappropriate places, or day dreaming about how we'll never love again and other melodramatic probably never going to actually happen things.

Then the universe does what it does.  It pulses and you suddenly remember you have about five billion things to be joyful about.  One of which is realizing that when you set pure intentions and get out of your own way Grace does a hell of a job giving you exactly what you need.

For me that has been community and connection.  Phone calls.  Emails.  Facebook messages.  New friends.  Visits with old friends.  And I didn't even have to makeout with a single one of them to get their attention.

I know this heart blasting, jump up and down joy will fade.  It's what happens.  But the more I practice this dance the easier it gets.  The quicker the steps.  So that when I'm down it doesn't take a full song to set me right.  Just a quick turn step and I'm floating again.

Thanks to everyone who has connected with me these past few days.  You guys are amazing.  And I'm so stupid, crazy blessed to have each of you in my life.

I love you so much!
Sara

The Girl Who Cried (in) Yoga

Well Internet it happened again.  That's right I cried in yoga.  It's becoming a thing.  At least this time it didn't have anything to do with a boy.  Well not a specific boy at least.  I blame Bridget and Cate this time, my new yoga aunties, who are determined to beat some sense into me.  Or to at least make me twist in such a way my heart is wrung out each time I come to my mat for one of their classes.

It all started with this book Cate threw at me and demanded I read after not being able to take another day of my whining about dying alone and cats eating my face off.  The title alone made me throw up in my mouth a little, Calling in "The One," 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life,  in case you're wondering.  Yeah I know.  I know Internet.  But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  Plus, I trust Cate.  I mean after following her directions regarding enemas and garlic suppositories a book recommendation seems rather harmless and uneventful, ya know?

Turns out this book does not pull any punches.  In fact, it punches you.  Repeatedly, right in the baby maker until you can't help but cry all over your yoga mat (or car, or book, or bed, or shower, or wherever it is you cry, which is probably a way more appropriate place than in a public class).  Its lessons hurt so bad they're good because you know once you get to the end (and by God I will get to the end) something will have changed.  And if it doesn't?  Well then me and God are going to have words.  Lots of them.

So I've been a little raw lately.  Which makes rolling out my mat even riskier, because chances are when shit is up in your life it spews out all over your mat.  Because that's what yoga does.  Busts you wide open.  Gives you emotional diarrhea (have I told you that here in Driggs we talk about poop a lot?).

Try doing handstand.  Filling your back body.  Trusting.  While you got all that deep, reorganizing, clearing out the demons stuff going on.  You'd cry too.  Cry because you are a yoga teacher who can't kick into handstand on your own.  Cry because you are single.  Cry because you are a million miles from home.  Cry because your mom died.  Cry because you are tired damn it and can't this just be over and life be perfect already.

But cry mostly because you realized that for a majority of your life you've ignored your gut when it comes to boys, and love, and sex, even when it's been yelling at you.  Sure I knew it was there.  What it was saying.  What I should do.  I just tended to do the exact opposite for lots of reasons (this is the part where I blame my family and culture).

So with that glaring revelation hanging over my head, it made me realize my whole deal with handstand makes sense.  I mean why would I be able to go upside?  If I can't hold to my core during daily tasks that don't come with the risk of injury and death, then how the hell am I going to do it while balancing on my two hands upside down?  Probably not gonna happen.  Which is why when Bridget asked us to take our mats to the wall this morning I crumbled.  

Because now I gotta own the fact that I'm a big wuss.  That saying no is hard for me.  That standing my ground is difficult.  That I don't know how to puff my kidneys.  Or kick by myself.  YET.

That I am 28 years old and I have manifested exactly what I have put out.  And that Internet is a hard lesson to swallow.  But that's the thing with growth.  It hurts and it's hard and sometimes you want to give up.  But you don't.  You keep kicking because one day you'll go upside down.  You'll call in "The One."  And that's going to be so rockstar awesome it'll be worth all the tears.

Or at least it better be!  I'll let you know in seven weeks when I get to the end.

So much love,
Sara

PS-In the meantime go download Florence and the Machine's new album.  It's pretty fantastic.  Or at least I think so.  Mainly because it feels like Florence crawled into my brain and wrote a bunch of songs I needed to hear right now.  It's the soundtrack of our lives (Brian Kooyman).  Plus she's a crazy hot red head!

Here's the track I've been playing...

Breaking Up Ayurvedically Isn't Hard to Do

I cried through my practice tonight because sometimes the Universe gives you exactly what you need.  Other times it pushes you down and repeatedly kicks you in the teeth (which usually is exactly what you need but that's another post).  These tears were the result of the latter.  The teeth kicking one.  That cute Ski Bum boy dumped me (again).  Three months ago I probably would have used this time honored tradition of getting over the heart break...

*Ummm so somehow the conversion process cut my head off?  Sorry using new software!

But now that I eat green things, do enemas, and meditate on a regular basis, I'm not too keen on wrecking my body and mind just because my heart is a little tender.  Crap food and copious amounts of alcohol aren't your friends after all.  They mostly just make you feel fat and bloated and give you zits.  And how will you ever find another mate when you look like that? I kid.

But really, how do you deal with heart smashing in a mindful way that doesn't add to your waistline or make you question your self esteem?

Well first, you put down the ice cream, step away from the wine and go outside.  Seriously.  Move your body.  Dance.  Hoop.  Stretch.  Run.  You need to burn off the bad juju not swallow it.  Plus, it's a proven fact that exercise releases endorphins and happy people don't kill people (no matter how much they may want to) nor do they wallow around feeling sorry for themselves.  So scoot!

Now that you've burned off the ick and have a clearer mind, sit with how you feel.  Really.  Tune in.  Are you angry?  Hurt? Sad?  Disappointed?  Do you feel stupid for believing every word that jerk said?  Do you regret funneling so much time and energy into what you thought was an awesome relationship?  Then great you aren't a cyborg.  You do have a heart.  And how cool is that?  Because once you get over this little disaster you can give that heart of yours to someone else.  Just make sure the next person is worthy before you go planing your children's names and ordering his and hers monogramed bath towels.

Once you determine exactly what it is that makes you want to ram sharp things into people's eyes or use up a box of tissues wiping teary Alice Cooperesque mascara off your face, you can then do something about it.  Cry.  But don't wallow.  Scream.  But don't hit.  Really go for it.  Whatever will allow you to fully experience your feelings is fair game, as long as no children or animals are harmed during your expression.  My new favorite thing (thanks to a kick ass girlfriend)?  Buying cheap shit from the dollar store and smashing it.  There's a certain something about bashing in the head of a ceramic cat that really allows me to let go and surrender.

And that's really what healing your heart is about.  So it didn't workout.  Chances are this isn't the first time that's happened.  You've just forgotten.  You've become so wrapped up in the what ifs, and buts, and I don't understands, and the this sucks you can't remember you're going to be ok.  In fact, you're going to be more than ok.  Especially if you don't reach for the sugar and pity sex.

So quit reading this, go draw yourself a bath, talk to people who love you, and remember, you're a hell of a catch, he/she probably didn't deserve you anyway.

Plus, "when the wrong train is in the station how can the right one pull in?" (That's what he said? Bada ching! That's for you Jenny!)

Love you so much!
Sara

Cleanse Day 4: Intentions

I guess technically it's day 5 considering it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm wide awake. So far I've had nothing but raw pureed food. Or as Ski Bum Brian calls it, Injured Hockey Player fare. Green smoothies, vegetable soups, miso broths. No wheat, dairy, meat, or refined sugar since this past Saturday. And I feel great-ish...

I have a very strong desire to pull in. To unplug. Talk less, interact less, be less connected. But that's not possible right now considering both jobs I have require me to have at least five internet windows open at once. Which is rather frustrating and tiring. And caused a couple of melt downs I won't lie. But other than that I'm pretty on track with my intentions for this cleanse.

On Sunday Cate asked us to think about what we want from this detox in four different ways: physically, mentally, emotionally/relationally, and spiritually. Here's what I came up with, you know since I have intentions for most everything these days.

Physically
Regulate my weight. I could stand to shed oh about 20lbs.
Get rid of my acne. Since stopping my birth control my face has decided to freak out. Hopefully, all the green juice will fix that.

Mentally
Develop clarity, focus, and discipline. So much of the time my mind overrides my better senses and I crumble. I reach for the cookies, the piece of bread. I want stick-to-it-ness.


Emotionally/Relationally
Let go of the fear, self doubt, and negative talk that keeps me in patterns that don't serve me. Let food be thy medicine instead of thy emotional crutch.

Be inspiring and supportive to others. Hopefully by practicing what I preach, I can get others to join me on the Green Revolution train. I've already seen this happen somewhat at my old studio thanks to my wonderful teacher Stacey and all the dedicated and brave students who decided to see for themselves what all the hype was about. You guys rock by the way!


Spiritually
Be in the flow of Grace. Be connected. Open. And faithful.

True to Sara fashion what all that boils down to is having the guts to be disciplined. Being strong enough in my core to stand in my light no matter what. Which if you know me, or have been following along on my journey so far, know this seems to be the overarching theme for this whole year. Maybe my next tattoo should be "discipline" written in big letters on my forehead. Or maybe I'll learn the lesson over the next 9 months!  One can hope, right?

What are your intentions? How is your cleanse going?

Love you! Miss you!
Sara

Tongue Scraping 101

One of the parts of my morning cleanse routine...

Cleanse Day 1: Making Room

Yogidetox is in full force around here.  And I plan on checking in here every day and logging my progress.  It helps keep me honest when I have to tell you guys about it!

First step...cleaning out...

2+2 Could Equal 5

I grew up with one fairly overachieving, perfectionist parent. And the other one beat into me that I was to make straight A's so much I'd have a panic attack when my test score said 99 instead of 100. So, being attached to the outcome, the fruits of my labor if you will, is something that has been ingrained into my very being.

A+B=C, and you better darn well care about C because C could get you 6 weeks worth of no telephone (can you tell I'm still traumatized? I love you dad!). However, most religious and spiritual practices teach you not to be so concerned with the results. With stuff. With attachment. To be in the world not of the world.

And yes sometimes being concerned with how things turn out is necessary. I'm not at all advocating that we just go around doing what we want without thinking about the consequences. That's chaos and anarchy and how people get shot. But what I am saying is we shouldn't be so worried about it. It shouldn't consume us. Or prevent us from doing what is right and necessary.

I know for me, at least, I can be so wrapped up in the long term thinking. The results of what may or may not happen if I do or don't do something I miss the moment. I let it affect me in such a way that I'm not doing what I should. Not opening myself to possibility because my mind's already worked out what it thinks C is going to be.

Several things have happened in my personal life recently that have forced me to let go of the what ifs. What if I let you into my life again and you break my heart? What if I say this and you don't like it? What if I spend all this time with you and we don't get married and have 2.5 children and a white picket fence and a dog?

What if I over analyze this situation so much I miss a great opportunity? What if in my desperate need to control I guide my life instead of letting Grace?

A+B doesn't always equal the C you think it will. So stop your worrying and just do it already. And if you get 6 weeks worth of detention who cares? You'll survive. I did (although just barely).

So much love,
Sara